By paddloPayday loans

My child

When I sit and think too much
The terror sets in
Fear that what I have
Is all I’ll ever get
And never a moment more

They tell me to stay positive
But they don’t feel
The constant pain
Of separation
Of not being able to stay

Deep inside of my heart
I have found
A pool of strength
That keeps me
Able to face each new challenge

But I worry about a drought
Just how much
Can I bear
And will I find
A place to replenish my soul

And then I feel it
A moment of peace
Within my reach
At just the time
When I cannot go without

Copyright 1998
Debra Chaffins
All Rights Reserved

Silently I scream
My mind a jumble of concepts
So close to enlightenment
Nearer to madness
Stricken mute

One word would start this
One utterance of breath
But who would understand
The avalanche waiting within
Gathering momentum

Myself a hermit
Closing further within
Nothing to notice from the outside
Yet I am a white hot sun
Approaching implosion

Eventually you stop asking
An the calm belies the turmoil
Easily masked and denied
It’s easiest to ignore
Thus, abortion
I exist

Copyright 1998
Debra Chaffins
All Rights Reserved

I hug her and she looks up at me.
I see fourteen years in her face.
I see fourteen years of stored up love
As the fantasy of the other mother
Is realized in a different form

Her face is like an open book
But it’s a language I do not know.
The eyes say that I know you
But the secrets the years have created
Are hidden from me for now.

Her eyes hold years of questions
Of where and why and who
Asking for me to understand
That the words are not yet ready
The answers not yet wanted

She looks at me and her eyes plead
To stay, thumb stay longer, approved
stay for always
Her look says hold me tight
Never let me go again
How do I tell her I’m never far

Copyright 1998
Debra Chaffins
All Rights Reserved

Intensity

When I sit and think too much
The terror sets in
Fear that what I have
Is all I’ll ever get
And never a moment more

They tell me to stay positive
But they don’t feel
The constant pain
Of separation
Of not being able to stay

Deep inside of my heart
I have found
A pool of strength
That keeps me
Able to face each new challenge

But I worry about a drought
Just how much
Can I bear
And will I find
A place to replenish my soul

And then I feel it
A moment of peace
Within my reach
At just the time
When I cannot go without

Copyright 1998
Debra Chaffins
All Rights Reserved

Silently I scream
My mind a jumble of concepts
So close to enlightenment
Nearer to madness
Stricken mute

One word would start this
One utterance of breath
But who would understand
The avalanche waiting within
Gathering momentum

Myself a hermit
Closing further within
Nothing to notice from the outside
Yet I am a white hot sun
Approaching implosion

Eventually you stop asking
An the calm belies the turmoil
Easily masked and denied
It’s easiest to ignore
Thus, abortion
I exist

Copyright 1998
Debra Chaffins
All Rights Reserved

Thinking

When I sit and think too much
The terror sets in
Fear that what I have
Is all I’ll ever get
And never a moment more

They tell me to stay positive
But they don’t feel
The constant pain
Of separation
Of not being able to stay

Deep inside of my heart
I have found
A pool of strength
That keeps me
Able to face each new challenge

But I worry about a drought
Just how much
Can I bear
And will I find
A place to replenish my soul

And then I feel it
A moment of peace
Within my reach
At just the time
When I cannot go without

Copyright 1998
Debra Chaffins
All Rights Reserved

Webwork

Lost in a world of my own creation
Gossamer thin threads cocoon my movement
Sticky as I walk this path
Bound by each thread
Fearfully avoiding their source

Slow progression through the entanglement
Each strand of the web woven tightly around me
Restricting my actions
Eyes are upon me
Shivers icy down my spine

Hot tears born of internal frustrations
Trickles become hot liquid streaks of salt
Useless in their intensity
Forsaken after all
Frozen still in my reality

Copyright 2001
Debra Chaffins
All Rights Reserved

Phoenixx

I can’t stand the pain
That pierces through my heart
Having such a tenuous grasp
On to you

I can’t grasp the thread
That tiny scrap you toss
Slipping through and cutting fingers
I cry out

I’d take that thin strand
Make it strong with my love
But how do I not use it to bind
Me to you

Copyright 2002
Debra Chaffins
All Rights Reserved

Ripping through the veils that block my way
Bloodied fingers tearing the gossamer threads
Webbing that threatens to suffocate

I give you my soul, ed My Soul!
I give you me
And what is it worth to you?
Another bit to have and to hold, more about
a gem amongst others

Does my sparkle not hold something different?
My gleam does it not illuminate,
set me apart in some way?
Am I not different at all
in my passion have I become what they all are

Glittering, glistening bits
That no longer hold your fascination
Too easily tossed aside
There are so many others
To taste
To try
To have and collect
I see the spaces here, room for them

I try to let my love and my light shine through
To fill the space
So that there is not room
No room for wanting,
or needing
or hurting

If only you’d tell me
Tell me the whole truth
I could survive knowing
Even if I didn’t hear what I long for
But what right do I have
To want that anyway?

Hopelessly tangled in the billowing fabric
Fighting against tears of doubt
Shamed at my need

Copyright 2000
Debra Chaffins
All Rights Reserved

She creeps in quietly
Unannounced
Rending the fabric of your soul
with such subtle tenderness
she’s at home before you know it

carelessly she turns and draws the curtain shut
her fingernails tearing through the damaged fabric
with quickened breath, click
she stops
looking at the tattered shreds
slipping through her fingers

from her lips an otherworldly moan emits
yet she refuses to see the scars
tossing her head back
eyes closed in ecstasy
she spins and dances in the scarlet haze

cobwebs tear away in the moving air
sticking in tendrils to her gown
dust and memories of old dreams
materialize in the billowing cloud
surrounding your dancing sylph

and you wonder how it came to be
that the walls never held her at bay
that you never asked her in
and yet she heard that silent scream
and hurried to find its source

with a sigh and a breath she opens her eyes
and the torn gauze is slowly healed
before your doubt riddled mind
and when she finally rests
she stays

Copyright 2000
Debra Chaffins
All Rights Reserved

It’s not about wanting, remedy her need burns
Churns, troche writhes inside
Driving her nearer the edge
Razor thin boundary bloodstained crimson
From those who went before her
Beside her, above her
And failed.

It’s about believing, his temptation
Condemnation, disappointment clear
Left alone in her thinking
Demons escape and materialize
Forgotten in her terror
Touch her, hold her
Partners

It’s about surviving, she breathes
Heaves, cries out
Discovering the ember
Damnable fire that refuses to die
Burning holes of agony
Spur her, move her
Soul deep

It’s not about forever, her heart aches,
Breaks, strengthens the scars
It’s not her way of dealing
Acceptance grinds on overwrought senses
Pushing back against the odds
Break her, make her
Complete

Copyright 2000
Debra Chaffins
All Rights Reserved

Phoenix rises, physician
ashes on the floor
Scars arise to meet the cold surrounding air
And I forgive her
Never
More

Slow mad smile, realization fully clear
Eyes wide and wet and sparkling with forgotten life
And she forgets me
Barely
Now

Heart races, throwing off the past
Emerging with energy bright and new as a child
And I want her
Still
Gone

Fresh start, newness in the air
Laughter fountains up relieving the guilt pressure
And I am her
Once
Again

Copyright 2001
Debra Chaffins
All Rights Reserved

Every Woman

I can’t stand the pain
That pierces through my heart
Having such a tenuous grasp
On to you

I can’t grasp the thread
That tiny scrap you toss
Slipping through and cutting fingers
I cry out

I’d take that thin strand
Make it strong with my love
But how do I not use it to bind
Me to you

Copyright 2002
Debra Chaffins
All Rights Reserved

Ripping through the veils that block my way
Bloodied fingers tearing the gossamer threads
Webbing that threatens to suffocate

I give you my soul, ed My Soul!
I give you me
And what is it worth to you?
Another bit to have and to hold, more about
a gem amongst others

Does my sparkle not hold something different?
My gleam does it not illuminate,
set me apart in some way?
Am I not different at all
in my passion have I become what they all are

Glittering, glistening bits
That no longer hold your fascination
Too easily tossed aside
There are so many others
To taste
To try
To have and collect
I see the spaces here, room for them

I try to let my love and my light shine through
To fill the space
So that there is not room
No room for wanting,
or needing
or hurting

If only you’d tell me
Tell me the whole truth
I could survive knowing
Even if I didn’t hear what I long for
But what right do I have
To want that anyway?

Hopelessly tangled in the billowing fabric
Fighting against tears of doubt
Shamed at my need

Copyright 2000
Debra Chaffins
All Rights Reserved

She creeps in quietly
Unannounced
Rending the fabric of your soul
with such subtle tenderness
she’s at home before you know it

carelessly she turns and draws the curtain shut
her fingernails tearing through the damaged fabric
with quickened breath, click
she stops
looking at the tattered shreds
slipping through her fingers

from her lips an otherworldly moan emits
yet she refuses to see the scars
tossing her head back
eyes closed in ecstasy
she spins and dances in the scarlet haze

cobwebs tear away in the moving air
sticking in tendrils to her gown
dust and memories of old dreams
materialize in the billowing cloud
surrounding your dancing sylph

and you wonder how it came to be
that the walls never held her at bay
that you never asked her in
and yet she heard that silent scream
and hurried to find its source

with a sigh and a breath she opens her eyes
and the torn gauze is slowly healed
before your doubt riddled mind
and when she finally rests
she stays

Copyright 2000
Debra Chaffins
All Rights Reserved

It’s not about wanting, remedy her need burns
Churns, troche writhes inside
Driving her nearer the edge
Razor thin boundary bloodstained crimson
From those who went before her
Beside her, above her
And failed.

It’s about believing, his temptation
Condemnation, disappointment clear
Left alone in her thinking
Demons escape and materialize
Forgotten in her terror
Touch her, hold her
Partners

It’s about surviving, she breathes
Heaves, cries out
Discovering the ember
Damnable fire that refuses to die
Burning holes of agony
Spur her, move her
Soul deep

It’s not about forever, her heart aches,
Breaks, strengthens the scars
It’s not her way of dealing
Acceptance grinds on overwrought senses
Pushing back against the odds
Break her, make her
Complete

Copyright 2000
Debra Chaffins
All Rights Reserved

creeping in

I can’t stand the pain
That pierces through my heart
Having such a tenuous grasp
On to you

I can’t grasp the thread
That tiny scrap you toss
Slipping through and cutting fingers
I cry out

I’d take that thin strand
Make it strong with my love
But how do I not use it to bind
Me to you

Copyright 2002
Debra Chaffins
All Rights Reserved

Ripping through the veils that block my way
Bloodied fingers tearing the gossamer threads
Webbing that threatens to suffocate

I give you my soul, ed My Soul!
I give you me
And what is it worth to you?
Another bit to have and to hold, more about
a gem amongst others

Does my sparkle not hold something different?
My gleam does it not illuminate,
set me apart in some way?
Am I not different at all
in my passion have I become what they all are

Glittering, glistening bits
That no longer hold your fascination
Too easily tossed aside
There are so many others
To taste
To try
To have and collect
I see the spaces here, room for them

I try to let my love and my light shine through
To fill the space
So that there is not room
No room for wanting,
or needing
or hurting

If only you’d tell me
Tell me the whole truth
I could survive knowing
Even if I didn’t hear what I long for
But what right do I have
To want that anyway?

Hopelessly tangled in the billowing fabric
Fighting against tears of doubt
Shamed at my need

Copyright 2000
Debra Chaffins
All Rights Reserved

She creeps in quietly
Unannounced
Rending the fabric of your soul
with such subtle tenderness
she’s at home before you know it

carelessly she turns and draws the curtain shut
her fingernails tearing through the damaged fabric
with quickened breath, click
she stops
looking at the tattered shreds
slipping through her fingers

from her lips an otherworldly moan emits
yet she refuses to see the scars
tossing her head back
eyes closed in ecstasy
she spins and dances in the scarlet haze

cobwebs tear away in the moving air
sticking in tendrils to her gown
dust and memories of old dreams
materialize in the billowing cloud
surrounding your dancing sylph

and you wonder how it came to be
that the walls never held her at bay
that you never asked her in
and yet she heard that silent scream
and hurried to find its source

with a sigh and a breath she opens her eyes
and the torn gauze is slowly healed
before your doubt riddled mind
and when she finally rests
she stays

Copyright 2000
Debra Chaffins
All Rights Reserved

Hopelessly Tangled

I can’t stand the pain
That pierces through my heart
Having such a tenuous grasp
On to you

I can’t grasp the thread
That tiny scrap you toss
Slipping through and cutting fingers
I cry out

I’d take that thin strand
Make it strong with my love
But how do I not use it to bind
Me to you

Copyright 2002
Debra Chaffins
All Rights Reserved

Ripping through the veils that block my way
Bloodied fingers tearing the gossamer threads
Webbing that threatens to suffocate

I give you my soul, ed My Soul!
I give you me
And what is it worth to you?
Another bit to have and to hold, more about
a gem amongst others

Does my sparkle not hold something different?
My gleam does it not illuminate,
set me apart in some way?
Am I not different at all
in my passion have I become what they all are

Glittering, glistening bits
That no longer hold your fascination
Too easily tossed aside
There are so many others
To taste
To try
To have and collect
I see the spaces here, room for them

I try to let my love and my light shine through
To fill the space
So that there is not room
No room for wanting,
or needing
or hurting

If only you’d tell me
Tell me the whole truth
I could survive knowing
Even if I didn’t hear what I long for
But what right do I have
To want that anyway?

Hopelessly tangled in the billowing fabric
Fighting against tears of doubt
Shamed at my need

Copyright 2000
Debra Chaffins
All Rights Reserved

thin thread

I can’t stand the pain
That pierces through my heart
Having such a tenuous grasp
On to you

I can’t grasp the thread
That tiny scrap you toss
Slipping through and cutting fingers
I cry out

I’d take that thin strand
Make it strong with my love
But how do I not use it to bind
Me to you

Copyright 2002
Debra Chaffins
All Rights Reserved

The Abyss

Michael planted the sword firmly in the ground before him, cheapest sending a tremor under my feet. “You are done with Gabriel for now, attend to me.” His eyes flashed, not in anger, but with power.

“Put away your romantic fantasies and rule with me for a time. Your moment in the glow of the moon is at an end, step back into the sun where you were born.”

I stepped out of the embrace of Gabriel’s wings, our hands still touching until only our fingertips kept the connection in tact. I turned to look up into that beautiful face, seeing eyes alive with future promises. With courage I didn’t know I possessed, I kissed Gabriel quickly and turned to Michael without further hesitation.

He stood there with both hands on the hilt of the sword planted in the earth before him. It’s hard to see anything about Michael without first seeing his wings, which are the largest of all the Archangels. The sleek, shiny feathers are the deepest emerald green. Any breeze amplifies their radiance and with a magnificent trick of the light, they flare a brilliant scarlet.

He moves them slowly, sensually, to their full width and I can see how deep the gem tones grow in the shadows under his wings. He shrugs them back to an arch and I notice that the bottom edges are a different type of feather. I walk around him to see the back of the wings and find a much different color array. Still sparkling emerald and scarlet up at their tops, they melt into the deepest sapphire near the ends. But the most magnificent surprise is that the edges are several rows of peacock feathers. The eyes swirl emerald and sapphire and violet, the delicate tendrils alive with motion.

He flicks his wings and I’m caught off guard. Coming back to face him, he takes my hand firmly in his and he pulls me to him. His wings come around us both, sheltering us from any outside distraction. I flinched, realizing for the first time that I was a bit afraid of Michael. His normally aloof nature fostered no comfort. I closed my eyes tight until I felt him relax his grip on my wrists. I expected it to be dark when I finally looked up at this face, but there was a golden glow inside of this embrace.

I’m tall, at 5’11”, and Michael is only a few inches taller than me, although his wings tower higher. His eyes are magnificent, as dark as the deepest green at the upper edges of his wings. The most incredible part of his eyes, other than the long, golden lashes, is that his irises look alive with electricity. You don’t see this from a distance, and I suspect that it’s his current intensity that is making them active. Tiny threads of electric blue flash like a lightning storm. I make a small noise at the incredible site and it fades. I blink and look again, and see that it’s still there, just so faint that it’s no longer very noticeable.

His face is angular and severe, yet still very handsome. Sun-kissed skin, and deep golden brown hair. The cut is shaggy, and full, and falls to his shoulders. His skin holds no specific age, and yet the gentle creases in his skin can be tracked to every smile and every pain he’s ever felt. Two modes for Michael, Triumphant and Resolved. The look that he has for me now is the latter. It holds the stories of all the things he’s been asked to do and the pain of it seems to battle and nearly win. Nearly, but not totally.

Michael pulls the sword straight up out of the earth. The edges are alight with tiny flames that put off no heat. The metal is polished to an unearthly shine. He holds the broad blade up for me to see. I am mesmerized and I press up against him for comfort, but am met with only the cold brass of the armor he wears.

As I look deeper at the metal of his blade, scenes start to play. Bloody battles pass by quickly. I don’t know enough of his history to understand what I am seeing, but I can tell that it wasn’t just one battle, but many. Those scenes clear and I see a garden that brings tears to my eyes. I fight the urge to climb through the metal to be in the place that I see, but it fades too quickly and I look up at him to plead.

“I am the guard for that garden. If you stay in the sun and learn from me, I can describe it to you so that you will feel that you are there. It’s as close as I will let anyone get. You will take these stories back with you as your own.”

“I know that this isn’t a gift, Michael. If I accept, what is your price?”

“I’ve told you already the price. You will take these stories back with you as your own.”

My mind fills with voices full of questions and warnings and cries of desires. Each yammering faster and louder than the next until I slump against his cold armor once again. Michael shoves his sword into the earth once more and puts his arm around my waist to hold me. He releases my other hand and puts the cool palm of his hand on my forehead, quieting the ruckus inside.

“Why do you fear me?”

“Because you ask the question “Who is as God” and I fear my answer.”

“Make your decision.”

“I have. This is now your time and I stand willing to witness.”

“I guard Eden, I defend and protect those that ask, I command the skies. These are things you will need to do for those under your care. It’s time to train your voice.”

Michael brought his wings back, letting the natural sunlight in. The world looks crisper and in finer focus than I remember. I look back at Michael and his face has changed from Resolved and I can’t help but smile.

Copyright 2002
Debra Chaffins
All Rights Reserved

Whysps and Winds cycle and Whirl
Strong in this vortex you stand in
Tendrils reach to gently caress

Touching your face and neck
Holding your soul in warmth
Breaching in to soothe your heart
Cradling your mind with years of love

I am your Whysp

your Wind

your Whirl

your Witch

I am the breath on your neck
The soft sultry sound by your ear
I am with you now, see
as then, viagra sale
as always
Just close your eyes, what you feel is me

There is no difference between us

Copyright 1999
Debra Chaffins
All Rights Reserved

In quiet halls I wander slowly
Echoes of past words hanging tangible in the air before me
I see our words, ambulance
then touch them with tentative fingertips
Flinching as they ring crystalline in my aching ears

It is too silent here without you
These thoughts fill every waking sensation as I mindfully stray
Painfully opening myself to seeing the truth of our union
Your imagined movements are poetry to my eyes

It makes no sense to hold on tightly
Still there is no way to loosen the grip our bond has formed
Can comfort be found in the strength of these restraints?
What honor have I left to struggle against release?

Brilliant flames in my heart grow stronger
Melting the protective ice so carefully forged and shaped
Revealing more than I ever planned to share at all
I sought to tether you and am now possessed

Copyright 1999
Debra Chaffins
All Rights Reserved

I could just disappear
Into the mist, drugs
It gets so thick at times
I could step forward
One stride
And be gone before anyone noticed

I would simply dissolve
In the haze, medstore
There is such beauty
In these thoughts
No more
And let myself become part of nothing

I might be tempted
Onto this plane, physiotherapy
Floating free in peace
Away from it all
So far
And never look back with regret

I should quietly fade
Into this night
With no fear in my heart
Across the abyss
For this
And would if you were on the other side

Copyright 1999
Debra Chaffins
All Rights Reserved