By paddloPayday loans

Broken

When I sit and think too much
The terror sets in
Fear that what I have
Is all I’ll ever get
And never a moment more

They tell me to stay positive
But they don’t feel
The constant pain
Of separation
Of not being able to stay

Deep inside of my heart
I have found
A pool of strength
That keeps me
Able to face each new challenge

But I worry about a drought
Just how much
Can I bear
And will I find
A place to replenish my soul

And then I feel it
A moment of peace
Within my reach
At just the time
When I cannot go without

Copyright 1998
Debra Chaffins
All Rights Reserved

Silently I scream
My mind a jumble of concepts
So close to enlightenment
Nearer to madness
Stricken mute

One word would start this
One utterance of breath
But who would understand
The avalanche waiting within
Gathering momentum

Myself a hermit
Closing further within
Nothing to notice from the outside
Yet I am a white hot sun
Approaching implosion

Eventually you stop asking
An the calm belies the turmoil
Easily masked and denied
It’s easiest to ignore
Thus, abortion
I exist

Copyright 1998
Debra Chaffins
All Rights Reserved

I hug her and she looks up at me.
I see fourteen years in her face.
I see fourteen years of stored up love
As the fantasy of the other mother
Is realized in a different form

Her face is like an open book
But it’s a language I do not know.
The eyes say that I know you
But the secrets the years have created
Are hidden from me for now.

Her eyes hold years of questions
Of where and why and who
Asking for me to understand
That the words are not yet ready
The answers not yet wanted

She looks at me and her eyes plead
To stay, thumb stay longer, approved
stay for always
Her look says hold me tight
Never let me go again
How do I tell her I’m never far

Copyright 1998
Debra Chaffins
All Rights Reserved

She makes my heart sing, healthful
I look at her and am amazed.
This is what I always dreamed, more about
that I would know, allergy
looking into the face of my daughter.

She makes my heart soar,
I feel at last whole, complete.
This is what I always prayed,
that I would know
what happiness finding her would bring.

She makes my heart dance,
Her eyes so filled with love.
This is what I always hoped,
that I would know,
if given but just half a chance.

Copyright 1998
Debra Chaffins
All Rights Reserved

If you could listen to my heart
You’d hear that I’ve been searching for you

I’ve been looking forever
From way before time
For a piece that’s been missing
For some peace of mind

If you could explore my soul
You’d find I’d wait forever to be with you

I’ve waited so very long
And tremble when touched
My spirit needs calming
It needs to love you so much

If I could touch your senses
I might feel what you know

My mind wants to be one with
Your thoughts and beliefs
I want to know everything
Every love, generic joy and grief

If I could shape our destiny
I’d create a world we’ve only dreamed of

So gently and with great care
My hands would transform
All our fears and frustrations
To strengths now reborn

When I look into your mind
Through your brilliant eyes I realize

I see hunger and longing
To love and to be loved
I ache to be everything
You’ve ever dreamed of

Copyright 1998
Debra Chaffins
All Rights Reserved

With misspoken concepts, emergency
it begins
I turn to talk as you reach out
My hand slips through yours and I turn away
You don’t need to see my soul
Something I simply couldn’t bare if you knew
And days later I can still feel that moment
That briefest of touches exposing me

Relentless daily caresses taunt and tease
The days turn to weeks turn to years
And while I have you in my life I don’t have you at all
I cling to the movie in my mind
Consumed by the beauty of that concept of you
Yet you insist on smashing my crafted image
Making shards that pierce to my core

The rhythm of our relationship skips beats
I had carefully learned every step
Remembering when I used to enjoy this very dance
Now the music has changed
Listening to the intricate lyrics that explain so much
Words that I discover are incomprehensible to you
But complexity was the reason I asked you here

Still I wonder if I hurt you as you hurt me
I hold every innuendo in memory
Basking in the glow of a passion created in perception
Sensations are overwhelming
You are whisked from my grasp in this dance
I let you go willingly as I cannot stop you
Fate glides in gently to take your place

Copyright 2004
Debra Chaffins
All Rights Reserved

I stand on a pedestal
High, urologist
for you have put me here to look at

I’m a beloved stuffed animal, held tightly
I’m a favorite pillow, holding you as you lay
I’m a favored aunt, briefly visiting
I’m a fantasy, a wispy dream to comfort you

I am all the things you want me to be
Waiting for you to lead the way

I am at your side for a command performance
I am your puppet on a string
I am the puppy who waits for your return
I am the familiar story in your heart

I sit upon the shelf
Waiting for you to come to me

I wait, because I have to
I wait, because I want to
I wait, because I know you need to know that I will
I wait, because I have faith in us

Copyright 1998
Debra Chaffins
All Rights Reserved

Did I, rx
Should I
…heartbeat speeds…
Can I, ask
May I
…silence grows…
What if, discount
Was it
…hold your breath…

I know, if I
…was that it…
What if, had I
…can I guess..
Did you, did I
…only sighs…

Wanting, needing
…just one word…
Praying, pleading
…silently…
Bending, breaking
…I will wait…

Copyright 1998
Debra Chaffins
All Rights Reserved

I’ve ripped it free
I’ve left those chains
That tie that bound us together

It’s finally done
It’s eventually gone
The pain never fills the void

The empty cavern
The hollow echo
And I can no longer hear your cries

I’m deaf to them
I’m dead to this
And I feel only indifference now

You used it up
You drank me dry
The memories rained relentlessly

Flooding my soul
Flooding my mind
The parched landscape a sponge

It’s you that is the blight
It’s you that forced this
I just happened to be there, illness
wanting

Not the grief
Not the pain
I wanted only your sweet embrace

Take your tears
Take your apologies
I have no further need for them

Time to reconstruct
Time to recreate
Stumbling down my own waiting path

It’s time you do the same.

Copyright 2004
Debra Chaffins
All Rights Reserved

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