By paddloPayday loans

What you will find here

I have an ADHD muse. She’s also bi-polar. The author, unhealthy Me, sovaldi is relatively sane and does not have ADHD nor is she bi-polar.  As a result, my writing is sporadic and full of a ridiculous amount of various emotions.

There are four categories of writing here to date:

Original Stories: These are short pieces that I enjoyed diving into.
Poetry
: When the words become lyrical, then end up here. I tend to write with a cadence. Some are harder to spot when read, but come alive when spoken.
Erotica: This is where I explore intensity and sensation.
ArchAngels
: Angels talk to me. I tell their stories.

Everything is tagged to make them easier to find.

Enjoy!

Hidden Tears

I cry alone
in the seat next to you
listening to songs that make me ache
that sing to you my love
in ways I can’t

 

I cry alone
messages sent from you
make me happy enough to burst
but these tears are kept
quiet and hidden

 

I cry alone
in pain and joy
my tears cannot be used against me
no chance of scorn
and never fear

 

I cry alone
behind glasses and screens
because I don’t want to burden you
with the depth and candor
my soul contains

 

I cry alone
but what I want
is you to put your hand in mine
so that I have no need
to cry at all

Copyright 2007
Debra Chaffins
All Rights Reserved

Crow observes Phoenix

When I sit and think too much
The terror sets in
Fear that what I have
Is all I’ll ever get
And never a moment more

They tell me to stay positive
But they don’t feel
The constant pain
Of separation
Of not being able to stay

Deep inside of my heart
I have found
A pool of strength
That keeps me
Able to face each new challenge

But I worry about a drought
Just how much
Can I bear
And will I find
A place to replenish my soul

And then I feel it
A moment of peace
Within my reach
At just the time
When I cannot go without

Copyright 1998
Debra Chaffins
All Rights Reserved

Silently I scream
My mind a jumble of concepts
So close to enlightenment
Nearer to madness
Stricken mute

One word would start this
One utterance of breath
But who would understand
The avalanche waiting within
Gathering momentum

Myself a hermit
Closing further within
Nothing to notice from the outside
Yet I am a white hot sun
Approaching implosion

Eventually you stop asking
An the calm belies the turmoil
Easily masked and denied
It’s easiest to ignore
Thus, abortion
I exist

Copyright 1998
Debra Chaffins
All Rights Reserved

I hug her and she looks up at me.
I see fourteen years in her face.
I see fourteen years of stored up love
As the fantasy of the other mother
Is realized in a different form

Her face is like an open book
But it’s a language I do not know.
The eyes say that I know you
But the secrets the years have created
Are hidden from me for now.

Her eyes hold years of questions
Of where and why and who
Asking for me to understand
That the words are not yet ready
The answers not yet wanted

She looks at me and her eyes plead
To stay, thumb stay longer, approved
stay for always
Her look says hold me tight
Never let me go again
How do I tell her I’m never far

Copyright 1998
Debra Chaffins
All Rights Reserved

She makes my heart sing, healthful
I look at her and am amazed.
This is what I always dreamed, more about
that I would know, allergy
looking into the face of my daughter.

She makes my heart soar,
I feel at last whole, complete.
This is what I always prayed,
that I would know
what happiness finding her would bring.

She makes my heart dance,
Her eyes so filled with love.
This is what I always hoped,
that I would know,
if given but just half a chance.

Copyright 1998
Debra Chaffins
All Rights Reserved

If you could listen to my heart
You’d hear that I’ve been searching for you

I’ve been looking forever
From way before time
For a piece that’s been missing
For some peace of mind

If you could explore my soul
You’d find I’d wait forever to be with you

I’ve waited so very long
And tremble when touched
My spirit needs calming
It needs to love you so much

If I could touch your senses
I might feel what you know

My mind wants to be one with
Your thoughts and beliefs
I want to know everything
Every love, generic joy and grief

If I could shape our destiny
I’d create a world we’ve only dreamed of

So gently and with great care
My hands would transform
All our fears and frustrations
To strengths now reborn

When I look into your mind
Through your brilliant eyes I realize

I see hunger and longing
To love and to be loved
I ache to be everything
You’ve ever dreamed of

Copyright 1998
Debra Chaffins
All Rights Reserved

With misspoken concepts, emergency
it begins
I turn to talk as you reach out
My hand slips through yours and I turn away
You don’t need to see my soul
Something I simply couldn’t bare if you knew
And days later I can still feel that moment
That briefest of touches exposing me

Relentless daily caresses taunt and tease
The days turn to weeks turn to years
And while I have you in my life I don’t have you at all
I cling to the movie in my mind
Consumed by the beauty of that concept of you
Yet you insist on smashing my crafted image
Making shards that pierce to my core

The rhythm of our relationship skips beats
I had carefully learned every step
Remembering when I used to enjoy this very dance
Now the music has changed
Listening to the intricate lyrics that explain so much
Words that I discover are incomprehensible to you
But complexity was the reason I asked you here

Still I wonder if I hurt you as you hurt me
I hold every innuendo in memory
Basking in the glow of a passion created in perception
Sensations are overwhelming
You are whisked from my grasp in this dance
I let you go willingly as I cannot stop you
Fate glides in gently to take your place

Copyright 2004
Debra Chaffins
All Rights Reserved

I stand on a pedestal
High, urologist
for you have put me here to look at

I’m a beloved stuffed animal, held tightly
I’m a favorite pillow, holding you as you lay
I’m a favored aunt, briefly visiting
I’m a fantasy, a wispy dream to comfort you

I am all the things you want me to be
Waiting for you to lead the way

I am at your side for a command performance
I am your puppet on a string
I am the puppy who waits for your return
I am the familiar story in your heart

I sit upon the shelf
Waiting for you to come to me

I wait, because I have to
I wait, because I want to
I wait, because I know you need to know that I will
I wait, because I have faith in us

Copyright 1998
Debra Chaffins
All Rights Reserved

Did I, rx
Should I
…heartbeat speeds…
Can I, ask
May I
…silence grows…
What if, discount
Was it
…hold your breath…

I know, if I
…was that it…
What if, had I
…can I guess..
Did you, did I
…only sighs…

Wanting, needing
…just one word…
Praying, pleading
…silently…
Bending, breaking
…I will wait…

Copyright 1998
Debra Chaffins
All Rights Reserved

I’ve ripped it free
I’ve left those chains
That tie that bound us together

It’s finally done
It’s eventually gone
The pain never fills the void

The empty cavern
The hollow echo
And I can no longer hear your cries

I’m deaf to them
I’m dead to this
And I feel only indifference now

You used it up
You drank me dry
The memories rained relentlessly

Flooding my soul
Flooding my mind
The parched landscape a sponge

It’s you that is the blight
It’s you that forced this
I just happened to be there, illness
wanting

Not the grief
Not the pain
I wanted only your sweet embrace

Take your tears
Take your apologies
I have no further need for them

Time to reconstruct
Time to recreate
Stumbling down my own waiting path

It’s time you do the same.

Copyright 2004
Debra Chaffins
All Rights Reserved

I saw her today, viagra
sitting in the snow. The bright sunshine made everything twinkle in the mid winter morning. She picked up a snowflake and sat there marveling at its intricacy. I didn’t think she’d notice me watching her from the window. I hadn’t meant to intrude on her thoughts, click so I was startled when she looked up and met my gaze directly. Her smile was as brilliant as the crisp sun and warmly inviting.

She looked back at the snow and frantically searched for something. In a fraction of a moment, her expression turned to delighted success as she picked up a nearly perfect replica of the first snowflake. She held them up to her ears and let them dangle there, her twinkling eyes asked my opinion. I smiled and nodded, hoping she could read the delight in my face.

Her mouth parted slightly, and I could see a faint wisp of her breath against the cold air. Her deeply red lips held my attention as she mouthed “come out.” I couldn’t resist and ran to put on boots and grab my coat. I threw open the door and peered around the corner to see her still sitting there, admiring the snowflakes. Her face lit up when she saw me and she bit the edge of her lip while tilting her head to indicate where she wanted me to sit.

I made myself comfortable in the snow next to her. The warmth of the sun making the cold seem insignificant. I was delighted when she reached over and placed the snowflakes on my earlobes. They stayed, not melting, like blown glass. I looked at her dark hair and thought about how the sparkling crystals would look entwined there. I found that if I looked just right, I could see whole snowflakes within the mounds of snow we sat in. I picked one up, and it didn’t melt. I looked at her and she turned so that I could touch her silky hair. One by one I laced snowflakes in her hair until they looked like stars in the night sky.

She shook her head and they were alight in movement. Each catching the sun and lighting her hair like the heavens. Her long, slender fingers touching them, and making them sparkle as they caught the light from the sun. The looks she gave me drove away all sense of cold. Then she closed her lovely eyes and drew a deep breath.

To my infinite sadness, when she opened her eyes, she gave me one more smile and waved good bye with her delicate hand. I knew that asking would not be right, so I stood and smiled back. I kissed my fingers and held them out to her. She reached up and touched her fingers to mine. They were surprisingly chilled, and yet so alive. I went back in to the house and back to the window, hoping to watch her a while longer, but she was gone. She left a simple note for me on the window; a heart drawn with frost.

Copyright 2004
Debra Chaffins
All Rights Reserved

Perched high above for the best view, clinic
Crow sat watching, waiting for the next performance.  There was never a doubt that there would be a next performance, either. Crow needed only to have patience, something that came easier with each passing year.  It was comforting in a rather sordid way to count on such things.With a glint in her ebony eye, Crow preened and carefully, patiently, arranged each of her feathers on one wing. The woods in which she perched belonged to Crow. Others would contend this, but those who did simply didn’t understand that belonging wasn’t the same as ownership. The woods belonged to all who claimed them. Her contemplation of the essence of sharing was broken when she heard footsteps approaching, heralding the beginning of today’s drama.

Crimson and claret streams billowed as Phoenix approached, fiery tendrils caressing her form. With feigned courage and resolve she approached her chosen spot. Crow saw through her glamour of beauty and proffered sex covering fear and a stark heart. She was here again to cast her spells to soothe her insecurities. Ever questing for the next bit of occulted knowledge to bring her the satisfaction she blindly, madly, craved.

Crow felt her heart hurt for Phoenix, for she knew that her path led to destruction. A single caw was cast from Crow. Whether in greeting or warning, it wasn’t clear. The call went unheeded. Crow nodded her acceptance of the snub, her eyes twinkling again with renewed resolve and clarity.

Phoenix invoked her gods and goddesses, demanding their attention. Crow eagerly awaited the company, and watched intently for their arrival. Images began to manifest around Phoenix. Crow tried but could not feel the presence of the divine in this, instead seeing only distorted and confused phantoms, people dear to Phoenix through the manipulation of their collective Wills. Phoenix bound and conjured and bedazzled these souls.

Phoenix was there today to bind another, to eliminate a thorn. Try as she might, each cast missed its mark. Phoenix was not centered and her fears made her unsteady. She never comprehended that she was wasting her energy enmeshed in anxieties for a phantom reflection. Phoenix crossed the final boundary acceptable to Crow.

Ruffling her freshly preened feathers, Crow called down to Phoenix. “I know I am the object of your fear and insecurities. While you shout at the moon, I have simply kept my own counsel. I have never used magick against you because you cannot touch me. I have simply watched you. I have been here far longer than you, learning my lessons while you struggle against yours. You cast your spells and never know a true heart. You fear that without your spells they will all leave and what you do is a crime.”

Phoenix raged at Crow’s revealing. With each denial, her fire grew hotter. With each deluding claim, the flames intensified, until she allowed her frustrations to consume her. Crow watched until there was nothing left of Phoenix but ashes smoldering around a new hatchling, blinking bewildered into the sky. A fresh breeze cleared the debris and left the creature shivering and exposed.

Crow took to flight, circling close and whispered to Phoenix, “I never used magick on you because I am magick. Try to remember this time.” Crow cawed from her depths and the sky exploded with her kith and kin as they took to the skies, voices raised in exaltation. Phoenix looked up as Crow left and made a new vow to the heavens.

Copyright 2004
Debra Chaffins
All Rights Reserved

Frost

When I sit and think too much
The terror sets in
Fear that what I have
Is all I’ll ever get
And never a moment more

They tell me to stay positive
But they don’t feel
The constant pain
Of separation
Of not being able to stay

Deep inside of my heart
I have found
A pool of strength
That keeps me
Able to face each new challenge

But I worry about a drought
Just how much
Can I bear
And will I find
A place to replenish my soul

And then I feel it
A moment of peace
Within my reach
At just the time
When I cannot go without

Copyright 1998
Debra Chaffins
All Rights Reserved

Silently I scream
My mind a jumble of concepts
So close to enlightenment
Nearer to madness
Stricken mute

One word would start this
One utterance of breath
But who would understand
The avalanche waiting within
Gathering momentum

Myself a hermit
Closing further within
Nothing to notice from the outside
Yet I am a white hot sun
Approaching implosion

Eventually you stop asking
An the calm belies the turmoil
Easily masked and denied
It’s easiest to ignore
Thus, abortion
I exist

Copyright 1998
Debra Chaffins
All Rights Reserved

I hug her and she looks up at me.
I see fourteen years in her face.
I see fourteen years of stored up love
As the fantasy of the other mother
Is realized in a different form

Her face is like an open book
But it’s a language I do not know.
The eyes say that I know you
But the secrets the years have created
Are hidden from me for now.

Her eyes hold years of questions
Of where and why and who
Asking for me to understand
That the words are not yet ready
The answers not yet wanted

She looks at me and her eyes plead
To stay, thumb stay longer, approved
stay for always
Her look says hold me tight
Never let me go again
How do I tell her I’m never far

Copyright 1998
Debra Chaffins
All Rights Reserved

She makes my heart sing, healthful
I look at her and am amazed.
This is what I always dreamed, more about
that I would know, allergy
looking into the face of my daughter.

She makes my heart soar,
I feel at last whole, complete.
This is what I always prayed,
that I would know
what happiness finding her would bring.

She makes my heart dance,
Her eyes so filled with love.
This is what I always hoped,
that I would know,
if given but just half a chance.

Copyright 1998
Debra Chaffins
All Rights Reserved

If you could listen to my heart
You’d hear that I’ve been searching for you

I’ve been looking forever
From way before time
For a piece that’s been missing
For some peace of mind

If you could explore my soul
You’d find I’d wait forever to be with you

I’ve waited so very long
And tremble when touched
My spirit needs calming
It needs to love you so much

If I could touch your senses
I might feel what you know

My mind wants to be one with
Your thoughts and beliefs
I want to know everything
Every love, generic joy and grief

If I could shape our destiny
I’d create a world we’ve only dreamed of

So gently and with great care
My hands would transform
All our fears and frustrations
To strengths now reborn

When I look into your mind
Through your brilliant eyes I realize

I see hunger and longing
To love and to be loved
I ache to be everything
You’ve ever dreamed of

Copyright 1998
Debra Chaffins
All Rights Reserved

With misspoken concepts, emergency
it begins
I turn to talk as you reach out
My hand slips through yours and I turn away
You don’t need to see my soul
Something I simply couldn’t bare if you knew
And days later I can still feel that moment
That briefest of touches exposing me

Relentless daily caresses taunt and tease
The days turn to weeks turn to years
And while I have you in my life I don’t have you at all
I cling to the movie in my mind
Consumed by the beauty of that concept of you
Yet you insist on smashing my crafted image
Making shards that pierce to my core

The rhythm of our relationship skips beats
I had carefully learned every step
Remembering when I used to enjoy this very dance
Now the music has changed
Listening to the intricate lyrics that explain so much
Words that I discover are incomprehensible to you
But complexity was the reason I asked you here

Still I wonder if I hurt you as you hurt me
I hold every innuendo in memory
Basking in the glow of a passion created in perception
Sensations are overwhelming
You are whisked from my grasp in this dance
I let you go willingly as I cannot stop you
Fate glides in gently to take your place

Copyright 2004
Debra Chaffins
All Rights Reserved

I stand on a pedestal
High, urologist
for you have put me here to look at

I’m a beloved stuffed animal, held tightly
I’m a favorite pillow, holding you as you lay
I’m a favored aunt, briefly visiting
I’m a fantasy, a wispy dream to comfort you

I am all the things you want me to be
Waiting for you to lead the way

I am at your side for a command performance
I am your puppet on a string
I am the puppy who waits for your return
I am the familiar story in your heart

I sit upon the shelf
Waiting for you to come to me

I wait, because I have to
I wait, because I want to
I wait, because I know you need to know that I will
I wait, because I have faith in us

Copyright 1998
Debra Chaffins
All Rights Reserved

Did I, rx
Should I
…heartbeat speeds…
Can I, ask
May I
…silence grows…
What if, discount
Was it
…hold your breath…

I know, if I
…was that it…
What if, had I
…can I guess..
Did you, did I
…only sighs…

Wanting, needing
…just one word…
Praying, pleading
…silently…
Bending, breaking
…I will wait…

Copyright 1998
Debra Chaffins
All Rights Reserved

I’ve ripped it free
I’ve left those chains
That tie that bound us together

It’s finally done
It’s eventually gone
The pain never fills the void

The empty cavern
The hollow echo
And I can no longer hear your cries

I’m deaf to them
I’m dead to this
And I feel only indifference now

You used it up
You drank me dry
The memories rained relentlessly

Flooding my soul
Flooding my mind
The parched landscape a sponge

It’s you that is the blight
It’s you that forced this
I just happened to be there, illness
wanting

Not the grief
Not the pain
I wanted only your sweet embrace

Take your tears
Take your apologies
I have no further need for them

Time to reconstruct
Time to recreate
Stumbling down my own waiting path

It’s time you do the same.

Copyright 2004
Debra Chaffins
All Rights Reserved

I saw her today, viagra
sitting in the snow. The bright sunshine made everything twinkle in the mid winter morning. She picked up a snowflake and sat there marveling at its intricacy. I didn’t think she’d notice me watching her from the window. I hadn’t meant to intrude on her thoughts, click so I was startled when she looked up and met my gaze directly. Her smile was as brilliant as the crisp sun and warmly inviting.

She looked back at the snow and frantically searched for something. In a fraction of a moment, her expression turned to delighted success as she picked up a nearly perfect replica of the first snowflake. She held them up to her ears and let them dangle there, her twinkling eyes asked my opinion. I smiled and nodded, hoping she could read the delight in my face.

Her mouth parted slightly, and I could see a faint wisp of her breath against the cold air. Her deeply red lips held my attention as she mouthed “come out.” I couldn’t resist and ran to put on boots and grab my coat. I threw open the door and peered around the corner to see her still sitting there, admiring the snowflakes. Her face lit up when she saw me and she bit the edge of her lip while tilting her head to indicate where she wanted me to sit.

I made myself comfortable in the snow next to her. The warmth of the sun making the cold seem insignificant. I was delighted when she reached over and placed the snowflakes on my earlobes. They stayed, not melting, like blown glass. I looked at her dark hair and thought about how the sparkling crystals would look entwined there. I found that if I looked just right, I could see whole snowflakes within the mounds of snow we sat in. I picked one up, and it didn’t melt. I looked at her and she turned so that I could touch her silky hair. One by one I laced snowflakes in her hair until they looked like stars in the night sky.

She shook her head and they were alight in movement. Each catching the sun and lighting her hair like the heavens. Her long, slender fingers touching them, and making them sparkle as they caught the light from the sun. The looks she gave me drove away all sense of cold. Then she closed her lovely eyes and drew a deep breath.

To my infinite sadness, when she opened her eyes, she gave me one more smile and waved good bye with her delicate hand. I knew that asking would not be right, so I stood and smiled back. I kissed my fingers and held them out to her. She reached up and touched her fingers to mine. They were surprisingly chilled, and yet so alive. I went back in to the house and back to the window, hoping to watch her a while longer, but she was gone. She left a simple note for me on the window; a heart drawn with frost.

Copyright 2004
Debra Chaffins
All Rights Reserved

Broken

When I sit and think too much
The terror sets in
Fear that what I have
Is all I’ll ever get
And never a moment more

They tell me to stay positive
But they don’t feel
The constant pain
Of separation
Of not being able to stay

Deep inside of my heart
I have found
A pool of strength
That keeps me
Able to face each new challenge

But I worry about a drought
Just how much
Can I bear
And will I find
A place to replenish my soul

And then I feel it
A moment of peace
Within my reach
At just the time
When I cannot go without

Copyright 1998
Debra Chaffins
All Rights Reserved

Silently I scream
My mind a jumble of concepts
So close to enlightenment
Nearer to madness
Stricken mute

One word would start this
One utterance of breath
But who would understand
The avalanche waiting within
Gathering momentum

Myself a hermit
Closing further within
Nothing to notice from the outside
Yet I am a white hot sun
Approaching implosion

Eventually you stop asking
An the calm belies the turmoil
Easily masked and denied
It’s easiest to ignore
Thus, abortion
I exist

Copyright 1998
Debra Chaffins
All Rights Reserved

I hug her and she looks up at me.
I see fourteen years in her face.
I see fourteen years of stored up love
As the fantasy of the other mother
Is realized in a different form

Her face is like an open book
But it’s a language I do not know.
The eyes say that I know you
But the secrets the years have created
Are hidden from me for now.

Her eyes hold years of questions
Of where and why and who
Asking for me to understand
That the words are not yet ready
The answers not yet wanted

She looks at me and her eyes plead
To stay, thumb stay longer, approved
stay for always
Her look says hold me tight
Never let me go again
How do I tell her I’m never far

Copyright 1998
Debra Chaffins
All Rights Reserved

She makes my heart sing, healthful
I look at her and am amazed.
This is what I always dreamed, more about
that I would know, allergy
looking into the face of my daughter.

She makes my heart soar,
I feel at last whole, complete.
This is what I always prayed,
that I would know
what happiness finding her would bring.

She makes my heart dance,
Her eyes so filled with love.
This is what I always hoped,
that I would know,
if given but just half a chance.

Copyright 1998
Debra Chaffins
All Rights Reserved

If you could listen to my heart
You’d hear that I’ve been searching for you

I’ve been looking forever
From way before time
For a piece that’s been missing
For some peace of mind

If you could explore my soul
You’d find I’d wait forever to be with you

I’ve waited so very long
And tremble when touched
My spirit needs calming
It needs to love you so much

If I could touch your senses
I might feel what you know

My mind wants to be one with
Your thoughts and beliefs
I want to know everything
Every love, generic joy and grief

If I could shape our destiny
I’d create a world we’ve only dreamed of

So gently and with great care
My hands would transform
All our fears and frustrations
To strengths now reborn

When I look into your mind
Through your brilliant eyes I realize

I see hunger and longing
To love and to be loved
I ache to be everything
You’ve ever dreamed of

Copyright 1998
Debra Chaffins
All Rights Reserved

With misspoken concepts, emergency
it begins
I turn to talk as you reach out
My hand slips through yours and I turn away
You don’t need to see my soul
Something I simply couldn’t bare if you knew
And days later I can still feel that moment
That briefest of touches exposing me

Relentless daily caresses taunt and tease
The days turn to weeks turn to years
And while I have you in my life I don’t have you at all
I cling to the movie in my mind
Consumed by the beauty of that concept of you
Yet you insist on smashing my crafted image
Making shards that pierce to my core

The rhythm of our relationship skips beats
I had carefully learned every step
Remembering when I used to enjoy this very dance
Now the music has changed
Listening to the intricate lyrics that explain so much
Words that I discover are incomprehensible to you
But complexity was the reason I asked you here

Still I wonder if I hurt you as you hurt me
I hold every innuendo in memory
Basking in the glow of a passion created in perception
Sensations are overwhelming
You are whisked from my grasp in this dance
I let you go willingly as I cannot stop you
Fate glides in gently to take your place

Copyright 2004
Debra Chaffins
All Rights Reserved

I stand on a pedestal
High, urologist
for you have put me here to look at

I’m a beloved stuffed animal, held tightly
I’m a favorite pillow, holding you as you lay
I’m a favored aunt, briefly visiting
I’m a fantasy, a wispy dream to comfort you

I am all the things you want me to be
Waiting for you to lead the way

I am at your side for a command performance
I am your puppet on a string
I am the puppy who waits for your return
I am the familiar story in your heart

I sit upon the shelf
Waiting for you to come to me

I wait, because I have to
I wait, because I want to
I wait, because I know you need to know that I will
I wait, because I have faith in us

Copyright 1998
Debra Chaffins
All Rights Reserved

Did I, rx
Should I
…heartbeat speeds…
Can I, ask
May I
…silence grows…
What if, discount
Was it
…hold your breath…

I know, if I
…was that it…
What if, had I
…can I guess..
Did you, did I
…only sighs…

Wanting, needing
…just one word…
Praying, pleading
…silently…
Bending, breaking
…I will wait…

Copyright 1998
Debra Chaffins
All Rights Reserved

I’ve ripped it free
I’ve left those chains
That tie that bound us together

It’s finally done
It’s eventually gone
The pain never fills the void

The empty cavern
The hollow echo
And I can no longer hear your cries

I’m deaf to them
I’m dead to this
And I feel only indifference now

You used it up
You drank me dry
The memories rained relentlessly

Flooding my soul
Flooding my mind
The parched landscape a sponge

It’s you that is the blight
It’s you that forced this
I just happened to be there, illness
wanting

Not the grief
Not the pain
I wanted only your sweet embrace

Take your tears
Take your apologies
I have no further need for them

Time to reconstruct
Time to recreate
Stumbling down my own waiting path

It’s time you do the same.

Copyright 2004
Debra Chaffins
All Rights Reserved

Censored

When I sit and think too much
The terror sets in
Fear that what I have
Is all I’ll ever get
And never a moment more

They tell me to stay positive
But they don’t feel
The constant pain
Of separation
Of not being able to stay

Deep inside of my heart
I have found
A pool of strength
That keeps me
Able to face each new challenge

But I worry about a drought
Just how much
Can I bear
And will I find
A place to replenish my soul

And then I feel it
A moment of peace
Within my reach
At just the time
When I cannot go without

Copyright 1998
Debra Chaffins
All Rights Reserved

Silently I scream
My mind a jumble of concepts
So close to enlightenment
Nearer to madness
Stricken mute

One word would start this
One utterance of breath
But who would understand
The avalanche waiting within
Gathering momentum

Myself a hermit
Closing further within
Nothing to notice from the outside
Yet I am a white hot sun
Approaching implosion

Eventually you stop asking
An the calm belies the turmoil
Easily masked and denied
It’s easiest to ignore
Thus, abortion
I exist

Copyright 1998
Debra Chaffins
All Rights Reserved

I hug her and she looks up at me.
I see fourteen years in her face.
I see fourteen years of stored up love
As the fantasy of the other mother
Is realized in a different form

Her face is like an open book
But it’s a language I do not know.
The eyes say that I know you
But the secrets the years have created
Are hidden from me for now.

Her eyes hold years of questions
Of where and why and who
Asking for me to understand
That the words are not yet ready
The answers not yet wanted

She looks at me and her eyes plead
To stay, thumb stay longer, approved
stay for always
Her look says hold me tight
Never let me go again
How do I tell her I’m never far

Copyright 1998
Debra Chaffins
All Rights Reserved

She makes my heart sing, healthful
I look at her and am amazed.
This is what I always dreamed, more about
that I would know, allergy
looking into the face of my daughter.

She makes my heart soar,
I feel at last whole, complete.
This is what I always prayed,
that I would know
what happiness finding her would bring.

She makes my heart dance,
Her eyes so filled with love.
This is what I always hoped,
that I would know,
if given but just half a chance.

Copyright 1998
Debra Chaffins
All Rights Reserved

If you could listen to my heart
You’d hear that I’ve been searching for you

I’ve been looking forever
From way before time
For a piece that’s been missing
For some peace of mind

If you could explore my soul
You’d find I’d wait forever to be with you

I’ve waited so very long
And tremble when touched
My spirit needs calming
It needs to love you so much

If I could touch your senses
I might feel what you know

My mind wants to be one with
Your thoughts and beliefs
I want to know everything
Every love, generic joy and grief

If I could shape our destiny
I’d create a world we’ve only dreamed of

So gently and with great care
My hands would transform
All our fears and frustrations
To strengths now reborn

When I look into your mind
Through your brilliant eyes I realize

I see hunger and longing
To love and to be loved
I ache to be everything
You’ve ever dreamed of

Copyright 1998
Debra Chaffins
All Rights Reserved

With misspoken concepts, emergency
it begins
I turn to talk as you reach out
My hand slips through yours and I turn away
You don’t need to see my soul
Something I simply couldn’t bare if you knew
And days later I can still feel that moment
That briefest of touches exposing me

Relentless daily caresses taunt and tease
The days turn to weeks turn to years
And while I have you in my life I don’t have you at all
I cling to the movie in my mind
Consumed by the beauty of that concept of you
Yet you insist on smashing my crafted image
Making shards that pierce to my core

The rhythm of our relationship skips beats
I had carefully learned every step
Remembering when I used to enjoy this very dance
Now the music has changed
Listening to the intricate lyrics that explain so much
Words that I discover are incomprehensible to you
But complexity was the reason I asked you here

Still I wonder if I hurt you as you hurt me
I hold every innuendo in memory
Basking in the glow of a passion created in perception
Sensations are overwhelming
You are whisked from my grasp in this dance
I let you go willingly as I cannot stop you
Fate glides in gently to take your place

Copyright 2004
Debra Chaffins
All Rights Reserved

I stand on a pedestal
High, urologist
for you have put me here to look at

I’m a beloved stuffed animal, held tightly
I’m a favorite pillow, holding you as you lay
I’m a favored aunt, briefly visiting
I’m a fantasy, a wispy dream to comfort you

I am all the things you want me to be
Waiting for you to lead the way

I am at your side for a command performance
I am your puppet on a string
I am the puppy who waits for your return
I am the familiar story in your heart

I sit upon the shelf
Waiting for you to come to me

I wait, because I have to
I wait, because I want to
I wait, because I know you need to know that I will
I wait, because I have faith in us

Copyright 1998
Debra Chaffins
All Rights Reserved

Did I, rx
Should I
…heartbeat speeds…
Can I, ask
May I
…silence grows…
What if, discount
Was it
…hold your breath…

I know, if I
…was that it…
What if, had I
…can I guess..
Did you, did I
…only sighs…

Wanting, needing
…just one word…
Praying, pleading
…silently…
Bending, breaking
…I will wait…

Copyright 1998
Debra Chaffins
All Rights Reserved

Pedestal

When I sit and think too much
The terror sets in
Fear that what I have
Is all I’ll ever get
And never a moment more

They tell me to stay positive
But they don’t feel
The constant pain
Of separation
Of not being able to stay

Deep inside of my heart
I have found
A pool of strength
That keeps me
Able to face each new challenge

But I worry about a drought
Just how much
Can I bear
And will I find
A place to replenish my soul

And then I feel it
A moment of peace
Within my reach
At just the time
When I cannot go without

Copyright 1998
Debra Chaffins
All Rights Reserved

Silently I scream
My mind a jumble of concepts
So close to enlightenment
Nearer to madness
Stricken mute

One word would start this
One utterance of breath
But who would understand
The avalanche waiting within
Gathering momentum

Myself a hermit
Closing further within
Nothing to notice from the outside
Yet I am a white hot sun
Approaching implosion

Eventually you stop asking
An the calm belies the turmoil
Easily masked and denied
It’s easiest to ignore
Thus, abortion
I exist

Copyright 1998
Debra Chaffins
All Rights Reserved

I hug her and she looks up at me.
I see fourteen years in her face.
I see fourteen years of stored up love
As the fantasy of the other mother
Is realized in a different form

Her face is like an open book
But it’s a language I do not know.
The eyes say that I know you
But the secrets the years have created
Are hidden from me for now.

Her eyes hold years of questions
Of where and why and who
Asking for me to understand
That the words are not yet ready
The answers not yet wanted

She looks at me and her eyes plead
To stay, thumb stay longer, approved
stay for always
Her look says hold me tight
Never let me go again
How do I tell her I’m never far

Copyright 1998
Debra Chaffins
All Rights Reserved

She makes my heart sing, healthful
I look at her and am amazed.
This is what I always dreamed, more about
that I would know, allergy
looking into the face of my daughter.

She makes my heart soar,
I feel at last whole, complete.
This is what I always prayed,
that I would know
what happiness finding her would bring.

She makes my heart dance,
Her eyes so filled with love.
This is what I always hoped,
that I would know,
if given but just half a chance.

Copyright 1998
Debra Chaffins
All Rights Reserved

If you could listen to my heart
You’d hear that I’ve been searching for you

I’ve been looking forever
From way before time
For a piece that’s been missing
For some peace of mind

If you could explore my soul
You’d find I’d wait forever to be with you

I’ve waited so very long
And tremble when touched
My spirit needs calming
It needs to love you so much

If I could touch your senses
I might feel what you know

My mind wants to be one with
Your thoughts and beliefs
I want to know everything
Every love, generic joy and grief

If I could shape our destiny
I’d create a world we’ve only dreamed of

So gently and with great care
My hands would transform
All our fears and frustrations
To strengths now reborn

When I look into your mind
Through your brilliant eyes I realize

I see hunger and longing
To love and to be loved
I ache to be everything
You’ve ever dreamed of

Copyright 1998
Debra Chaffins
All Rights Reserved

With misspoken concepts, emergency
it begins
I turn to talk as you reach out
My hand slips through yours and I turn away
You don’t need to see my soul
Something I simply couldn’t bare if you knew
And days later I can still feel that moment
That briefest of touches exposing me

Relentless daily caresses taunt and tease
The days turn to weeks turn to years
And while I have you in my life I don’t have you at all
I cling to the movie in my mind
Consumed by the beauty of that concept of you
Yet you insist on smashing my crafted image
Making shards that pierce to my core

The rhythm of our relationship skips beats
I had carefully learned every step
Remembering when I used to enjoy this very dance
Now the music has changed
Listening to the intricate lyrics that explain so much
Words that I discover are incomprehensible to you
But complexity was the reason I asked you here

Still I wonder if I hurt you as you hurt me
I hold every innuendo in memory
Basking in the glow of a passion created in perception
Sensations are overwhelming
You are whisked from my grasp in this dance
I let you go willingly as I cannot stop you
Fate glides in gently to take your place

Copyright 2004
Debra Chaffins
All Rights Reserved

I stand on a pedestal
High, urologist
for you have put me here to look at

I’m a beloved stuffed animal, held tightly
I’m a favorite pillow, holding you as you lay
I’m a favored aunt, briefly visiting
I’m a fantasy, a wispy dream to comfort you

I am all the things you want me to be
Waiting for you to lead the way

I am at your side for a command performance
I am your puppet on a string
I am the puppy who waits for your return
I am the familiar story in your heart

I sit upon the shelf
Waiting for you to come to me

I wait, because I have to
I wait, because I want to
I wait, because I know you need to know that I will
I wait, because I have faith in us

Copyright 1998
Debra Chaffins
All Rights Reserved

Them

When I sit and think too much
The terror sets in
Fear that what I have
Is all I’ll ever get
And never a moment more

They tell me to stay positive
But they don’t feel
The constant pain
Of separation
Of not being able to stay

Deep inside of my heart
I have found
A pool of strength
That keeps me
Able to face each new challenge

But I worry about a drought
Just how much
Can I bear
And will I find
A place to replenish my soul

And then I feel it
A moment of peace
Within my reach
At just the time
When I cannot go without

Copyright 1998
Debra Chaffins
All Rights Reserved

Silently I scream
My mind a jumble of concepts
So close to enlightenment
Nearer to madness
Stricken mute

One word would start this
One utterance of breath
But who would understand
The avalanche waiting within
Gathering momentum

Myself a hermit
Closing further within
Nothing to notice from the outside
Yet I am a white hot sun
Approaching implosion

Eventually you stop asking
An the calm belies the turmoil
Easily masked and denied
It’s easiest to ignore
Thus, abortion
I exist

Copyright 1998
Debra Chaffins
All Rights Reserved

I hug her and she looks up at me.
I see fourteen years in her face.
I see fourteen years of stored up love
As the fantasy of the other mother
Is realized in a different form

Her face is like an open book
But it’s a language I do not know.
The eyes say that I know you
But the secrets the years have created
Are hidden from me for now.

Her eyes hold years of questions
Of where and why and who
Asking for me to understand
That the words are not yet ready
The answers not yet wanted

She looks at me and her eyes plead
To stay, thumb stay longer, approved
stay for always
Her look says hold me tight
Never let me go again
How do I tell her I’m never far

Copyright 1998
Debra Chaffins
All Rights Reserved

She makes my heart sing, healthful
I look at her and am amazed.
This is what I always dreamed, more about
that I would know, allergy
looking into the face of my daughter.

She makes my heart soar,
I feel at last whole, complete.
This is what I always prayed,
that I would know
what happiness finding her would bring.

She makes my heart dance,
Her eyes so filled with love.
This is what I always hoped,
that I would know,
if given but just half a chance.

Copyright 1998
Debra Chaffins
All Rights Reserved

If you could listen to my heart
You’d hear that I’ve been searching for you

I’ve been looking forever
From way before time
For a piece that’s been missing
For some peace of mind

If you could explore my soul
You’d find I’d wait forever to be with you

I’ve waited so very long
And tremble when touched
My spirit needs calming
It needs to love you so much

If I could touch your senses
I might feel what you know

My mind wants to be one with
Your thoughts and beliefs
I want to know everything
Every love, generic joy and grief

If I could shape our destiny
I’d create a world we’ve only dreamed of

So gently and with great care
My hands would transform
All our fears and frustrations
To strengths now reborn

When I look into your mind
Through your brilliant eyes I realize

I see hunger and longing
To love and to be loved
I ache to be everything
You’ve ever dreamed of

Copyright 1998
Debra Chaffins
All Rights Reserved

With misspoken concepts, emergency
it begins
I turn to talk as you reach out
My hand slips through yours and I turn away
You don’t need to see my soul
Something I simply couldn’t bare if you knew
And days later I can still feel that moment
That briefest of touches exposing me

Relentless daily caresses taunt and tease
The days turn to weeks turn to years
And while I have you in my life I don’t have you at all
I cling to the movie in my mind
Consumed by the beauty of that concept of you
Yet you insist on smashing my crafted image
Making shards that pierce to my core

The rhythm of our relationship skips beats
I had carefully learned every step
Remembering when I used to enjoy this very dance
Now the music has changed
Listening to the intricate lyrics that explain so much
Words that I discover are incomprehensible to you
But complexity was the reason I asked you here

Still I wonder if I hurt you as you hurt me
I hold every innuendo in memory
Basking in the glow of a passion created in perception
Sensations are overwhelming
You are whisked from my grasp in this dance
I let you go willingly as I cannot stop you
Fate glides in gently to take your place

Copyright 2004
Debra Chaffins
All Rights Reserved

Listen

When I sit and think too much
The terror sets in
Fear that what I have
Is all I’ll ever get
And never a moment more

They tell me to stay positive
But they don’t feel
The constant pain
Of separation
Of not being able to stay

Deep inside of my heart
I have found
A pool of strength
That keeps me
Able to face each new challenge

But I worry about a drought
Just how much
Can I bear
And will I find
A place to replenish my soul

And then I feel it
A moment of peace
Within my reach
At just the time
When I cannot go without

Copyright 1998
Debra Chaffins
All Rights Reserved

Silently I scream
My mind a jumble of concepts
So close to enlightenment
Nearer to madness
Stricken mute

One word would start this
One utterance of breath
But who would understand
The avalanche waiting within
Gathering momentum

Myself a hermit
Closing further within
Nothing to notice from the outside
Yet I am a white hot sun
Approaching implosion

Eventually you stop asking
An the calm belies the turmoil
Easily masked and denied
It’s easiest to ignore
Thus, abortion
I exist

Copyright 1998
Debra Chaffins
All Rights Reserved

I hug her and she looks up at me.
I see fourteen years in her face.
I see fourteen years of stored up love
As the fantasy of the other mother
Is realized in a different form

Her face is like an open book
But it’s a language I do not know.
The eyes say that I know you
But the secrets the years have created
Are hidden from me for now.

Her eyes hold years of questions
Of where and why and who
Asking for me to understand
That the words are not yet ready
The answers not yet wanted

She looks at me and her eyes plead
To stay, thumb stay longer, approved
stay for always
Her look says hold me tight
Never let me go again
How do I tell her I’m never far

Copyright 1998
Debra Chaffins
All Rights Reserved

She makes my heart sing, healthful
I look at her and am amazed.
This is what I always dreamed, more about
that I would know, allergy
looking into the face of my daughter.

She makes my heart soar,
I feel at last whole, complete.
This is what I always prayed,
that I would know
what happiness finding her would bring.

She makes my heart dance,
Her eyes so filled with love.
This is what I always hoped,
that I would know,
if given but just half a chance.

Copyright 1998
Debra Chaffins
All Rights Reserved

If you could listen to my heart
You’d hear that I’ve been searching for you

I’ve been looking forever
From way before time
For a piece that’s been missing
For some peace of mind

If you could explore my soul
You’d find I’d wait forever to be with you

I’ve waited so very long
And tremble when touched
My spirit needs calming
It needs to love you so much

If I could touch your senses
I might feel what you know

My mind wants to be one with
Your thoughts and beliefs
I want to know everything
Every love, generic joy and grief

If I could shape our destiny
I’d create a world we’ve only dreamed of

So gently and with great care
My hands would transform
All our fears and frustrations
To strengths now reborn

When I look into your mind
Through your brilliant eyes I realize

I see hunger and longing
To love and to be loved
I ache to be everything
You’ve ever dreamed of

Copyright 1998
Debra Chaffins
All Rights Reserved

One Look

When I sit and think too much
The terror sets in
Fear that what I have
Is all I’ll ever get
And never a moment more

They tell me to stay positive
But they don’t feel
The constant pain
Of separation
Of not being able to stay

Deep inside of my heart
I have found
A pool of strength
That keeps me
Able to face each new challenge

But I worry about a drought
Just how much
Can I bear
And will I find
A place to replenish my soul

And then I feel it
A moment of peace
Within my reach
At just the time
When I cannot go without

Copyright 1998
Debra Chaffins
All Rights Reserved

Silently I scream
My mind a jumble of concepts
So close to enlightenment
Nearer to madness
Stricken mute

One word would start this
One utterance of breath
But who would understand
The avalanche waiting within
Gathering momentum

Myself a hermit
Closing further within
Nothing to notice from the outside
Yet I am a white hot sun
Approaching implosion

Eventually you stop asking
An the calm belies the turmoil
Easily masked and denied
It’s easiest to ignore
Thus, abortion
I exist

Copyright 1998
Debra Chaffins
All Rights Reserved

I hug her and she looks up at me.
I see fourteen years in her face.
I see fourteen years of stored up love
As the fantasy of the other mother
Is realized in a different form

Her face is like an open book
But it’s a language I do not know.
The eyes say that I know you
But the secrets the years have created
Are hidden from me for now.

Her eyes hold years of questions
Of where and why and who
Asking for me to understand
That the words are not yet ready
The answers not yet wanted

She looks at me and her eyes plead
To stay, thumb stay longer, approved
stay for always
Her look says hold me tight
Never let me go again
How do I tell her I’m never far

Copyright 1998
Debra Chaffins
All Rights Reserved

She makes my heart sing, healthful
I look at her and am amazed.
This is what I always dreamed, more about
that I would know, allergy
looking into the face of my daughter.

She makes my heart soar,
I feel at last whole, complete.
This is what I always prayed,
that I would know
what happiness finding her would bring.

She makes my heart dance,
Her eyes so filled with love.
This is what I always hoped,
that I would know,
if given but just half a chance.

Copyright 1998
Debra Chaffins
All Rights Reserved